Back to square.
POSTED ON Wednesday, 4 February 2015 AT 23:57 \\
“I deserve someone who actually gives a fuck about me because
 I’ve spent my entire life making other people happy when all they did was leave.”

Maybe I think too much, or maybe I over-analyse the situations. Or maybe that I'm not capable of understanding the true intentions of people. Or simply put, maybe I'm too oblivious towards the situations, naive to look past the feelings.

I haven't asked for anything in life, just someone who will understand, someone who won't leave. I don't ask for anything more, is that too much to ask for? Is that too big of a dream? Is it impossible to attain? All these questions go over my head whenever the thoughts of you fill my mind. I never expected certain things to happen, they just happened.
I don't really know how to put all of these feelings into words.

I have spent months trying to smile again, trying to laugh again. I have spent all my life trying to be happy. Now that I've finally started to get a hold of myself, please don't go crashing down on me again. I cannot be hopeful anymore, I'm too scared to be optimistic as things always end up breaking me, my hope into a million tiny pieces. My fingers are grazed from trying to piece them all back together, I cannot afford to try again. Please, give me strength.

You're not the one.
POSTED ON Monday, 2 February 2015 AT 02:24 \\
If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm prayin' you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Love's bud.
POSTED ON Friday, 16 January 2015 AT 02:32 \\
Why don't you stay for a little while, it's been too long since I've smiled
There's too few people I trust, I won't ask you for too much,
good conversation and such, and if I'm being honest

From time to time you cross my mind, good company is hard to find.
From time to time you cross my mind, so stay with me just for a night.

These are the lyrics that flashes in the back of my head every time we speak. I like talking to you, I like our conversations, I like the way things lead up to - if I were to list all of things I like about you or our friendship, then the list would be pretty long. All I want to say is that I'm glad I met you. I just pray to God that I don't jinx us, our friendship or anything at all.

Eyes like sky.
POSTED ON Sunday, 11 January 2015 AT 04:27 \\
The same boy, with sunken eyes saw me And described yellow so perfectly. 

Life is full of surprises. And it surprises you in the most surprising way, you're too surprised to comprehend it. And today was that kind of day. night - well morning. But I'm glad for this. Have you ever met someone and as the conversation goes on, you just sit there and smile for no reason? I'm sure you have, I can't be the only idiot. Well it happened to me today, I didn't even know the person yet he felt so familiar. At one point I felt like I was talking to myself because we shared almost identical thoughts and we both had experienced certain things to a certain level. However, talking to him really made me put things into perspectives in terms of a touchy subject I had been pondering about, a lot. I guess I sort of needed that? A closure, a gateway to closure? It's a start, for sure. You will never forget your love and you'll never stop loving them; but its just their memories you'd keep with you, not them as an individual. And I have finally understood that. 
Moving on doesn't mean forgetting them, it just means you no longer live for them.

When is it "enough"?
POSTED ON Friday, 9 January 2015 AT 19:11 \\
Enough is quite a funny word. Sometimes it means everything, often quite the opposite. 

Why is that sometimes you do everything you can to make someone happy, but it's never enough.  You compromise all the time for the sake of their comfort, it's still never enough. It's not enough that you sacrifice all of your happiness for them. You live all of your existing life caring for and respecting them, yet they still have the nerve to say that you're not enough.

I've burned a lot, drowned a lot and suffocated a lot just to make you happy and smile, just to keep you content.
 I don't do it all for the show or something in return but I'm no fool. I've had enough.

First post.
POSTED ON Wednesday, 7 January 2015 AT 19:37 \\
It's the seventh of the new year. I'm not sure how to feel as of right now. My feelings is a cocktail of sadness, grief, loneliness, anger and regret. The past two years hasn't been easy, not easy at all in all aspects of life.

It's not that I want to still be with you, neither do I wish for us to meet again. I just have these feelings that don't seem to go away. It's annoying and frustrating to think about you all the time, consciously or unconsciously. Its painful to remember you, our conversations and the memories of us. Its painful to think about you, still. It's hard to move on. 

I have done a lot of things to fill up the void that crept up to me, when you left two years ago. I drank the sorrows away, I drank till I felt numb, senseless just so I wouldn't think of you anymore. But I'd always end up crying your name. I kissed strangers, held them, gave them something that I had always dreamt of giving only you. I tried replacing you with guys of all kinds, but it only made me feel even lonelier. Lonely because even when surrounded by "love" and laughter, I'd only ever think of you. Lonely because all I ever wanted was to be with you and your love and smiles, not them.
Or I felt lonely because none of those guys were you.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel depressed all the time. I don't want to have sleepless nights and cry during the day. I don't want to see you in every guy I come across. I don't want any essence of you in my life.
 I don't to live with the ghost of you anymore. You are nothing but a fragment of  memory.
 I wish to convince all these to myself sooner. I'm only gonna go crazier.